How to start? I honestly am not sure whether or not to post things like this, but it is so relevant to our lives...Being who we now are as a family, you can probably imagine we get a lot of interesting looks/stares, whatever you want to call them. We also get a lot of comments; a LOT of comments. It has blown my mind. Pete and I were talking about it this morning after leaving the restaurant where we went for breakfast (bringing along Ava, of course...Ali was in preschool). We got more than the usual amount of stares, although maybe it's just because I was paying more attention than I usually do when I'm out by myself with a 2 year old and an 8 month old...not much time to pay attention. In the 3 short months we've been Ava's parents, I've already become somewhat accustomed to the stares, but NOT the comments. What makes people so rude/ignorant/racist/just plain stupid???? That's what I want to know! Pete and I did so much reading before our adoption, and we *knew* what we were going to experience, but the firsthand experience of it is a shocker, let me tell you. And the sad, sad, SAD thing is that Ava and others who share her skin tone have to deal with racism all the time. Because Pete and I are white in a racially conscious society where whites have inherent privilege, we could have blissfully ignored race and racism our entire lives. AAHHHHH...the craziness of even saying that blows my mind. Still learning here, but the necessity of learning to be anti-racist has picked up for me and for Pete. Anyway, no need to rehash some of the nastier comments I've received...how about a funny one?
At a restaurant that we decided to go to at the last minute (i.e.: I had no desire to cook dinner)...As we were finishing dinner, another family in the booth next to us started saying hi because our kids and their kids were playing peek-a-boo over the booth.
Little blond boy (about 4) to me (holding Ava): Her skin is black. Mine is white.
Me: That's right. Isn't it cool how God made us all differently?
Little blond boy: Why is her skin black and mine white?
Me: Well, her skin is actually dark brown and (holding up a white napkin), is your skin really "white"? It looks more like a really light brown to me.
Little blond boy: Oh, yeah. Huh.
Me: We all have something called melanin in our skin. Some people like Ava just have more than other people like you and I have. I think your skin and her skin are both just beautiful, don't you?
Little blond boy: Yeah, that's cool.
Father of boy jumps in, shushing his son: Sorry about that. He's gotten really curious about differences lately.
Me: That's ok, it's normal!
Father: Yeah, it's funny, every time he sees a (and he whispers the next 2 words, leaning closer so we can hear) "black man" on TV, he points at him and says "Look, daddy, it's Obama."
Me...okay, actually, I didn't exactly know what to say. This is what went through my head...
1. Why did you whisper "black man"? What's that teaching your children? To be afraid? That race is taboo? That you're breaking the "color-blind" rule you've set? (Don't get me started on that and comments along those lines.)
2. We live in a DIVERSE area...is TV the only exposure your kids get to people of other ethnicities?
3. Wow, we live in a city where you see literally thousands of "Obamas" everyday. You don't know any of their names?
Not sure what else to say about the conversation...like I said, a funnier one, but still somewhat disturbing. Maybe I'll keep posting our interesting conversations. But seriously, I have come to realize that it's harder than I thought. I think for me the hardest thing is constantly having Ava's and my relationship questioned. I could have hugged the doctor we saw yesterday (had to make a sick appointment for some skin issues Ava's had since Colombia, so we didn't see our normal doc)...he complimented me for being so trim for having just had a baby. I almost laughed out loud. But it still made me so happy. I am Ava's mommy (even if strangers don't recognize it)!
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3 comments:
Hey, I must admit that I have learned to just not see the starting unless it is really obvious. Luckily I grew up white in Africa and I got stared at a lot. My mom always taught us to be polite until the staring went on too long then she had the whole family stare back. I have started doing this. If I am stared at too long, I stare back, make eye contact and raise my eyebrows as if to say "move on". Yeah the comments are annoying. I actually haven't had too many that are negative but I think it is because Yared is very verbal and even racists people seem to be kinder to children:). Just remember it is their loss to feel this horrible judgement on skin. Don't let it get you down. I try to be impressed with the positive comments.. especially when they come from someone I had prejudged to be racist.
Hi Emily! This is Tracy Arceo - stumbled on your blog this morning and interesting that it was this post. Being in an interracial marriage and having mixed race kiddos, I've encountered this type of stuff on many occasions. One thing I've learned is to always expect and assume the best of people. For instance, if someone is staring at our family, I just choose to assume that they are checking out my adorable little ones and thinking how fun it would be to have two different cultures reflected in one family. If they make a hurtful comment, I just choose to assume they didn't mean it that way. Sometimes it is so obviously hurtful this doesn't work (like some teenager yelling "white power" at us while we were driving around) and then I just pray that God would use our family to reconcile the racial tensions in this country. I'm not perfect, mind you, and usually I'll rage a little (okay a lot) before praying, but this is my strategy. Anyways, your family is beautiful and I'll be praying for you all!
You know I love you guys and Ava especially. You guys are awesome parents, if people want to be judgemental and silly its their lose at not getting to know your awesome family and sweet girls.
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