Positive Adoption Language

Ok...so I know that pretty much every adoptive parent who blogs has probably posted about this, but, I don't know, maybe it just helps us process and articulate positive adoption language so we know what to say when people use negative words in front of our kids, you know? Anyway...just wanted to post about a few comments...

To start with, this post wasn't sparked by any one conversation with any one person...just sort of a collective sum of a lot of conversations over the past almost 2 years...and second, if you have said these things to me, you're in good company, a lot of people have, and please know that I know you probably mean well and don't mean them to be negative. But also know that I really want Ava to know that I value her so much that I won't shy away from hard conversations with people I love so that she can begin to understand how to respond to hard situations with grace, but also with truth. Words are important. After all, with any child (biological or adopted) we don't talk about certain things in certain ways because we don't want them to learn to talk about whatever the topic is in crude language or in a way that might hurt them; the same with adoption.

So, one of the most common comments I get that is annoying to me (and many other adoptive parent, btw) is "Oooh...she's so cute, I want one," sometimes it's said even more bluntly: "Oooh...she's so cute, I want a black baby." As if I adopted her because of her skin color. I didn't. I didn't adopt her in spite of her skin color either. I adopted Ava....Ava is cute, Ava is beautiful. She's not an object to be collected. I mean, I am her mom, and of course she's pretty much the cutest two year old ever...but, all babies/toddlers/children are beautiful people...and a big thing that moms of black boys especially talk about is the age when people stop saying they're cute and when people start thinking of them as black men...who experience so much racism and prejudice. Cute babies grow up. We have to be prepared to parent them and give them what they need to have strong and positive racial identities in a society that will categorize them based on their skin color. I have never had someone comment about Kylah's cuteness or Ali's cuteness and then follow that with an "I want one" comment. I don't know, maybe other people do get that type of comment with their biological children? Anyway...I'd much prefer comments to the effect of: "Ava is adorable; what a blessing; She's cute..." You don't need to follow up with some sort of "I want" comment. You can mention you'd like to grow your family by adoption if you are really interested in it! If you adopt in the future or seriously enter into the pre-adoption process, awesome...we can talk then.

Second...please don't ever say we "bought a baby" or you want to "buy a baby." We did not buy Ava anymore than we bought our biological children. We paid for services (and by we...I mean that to include more than just Pete and me because it was so many of us together who made it possible for Ava to become a Johnson)...we paid a lawyer, we paid an adoption agency to file our paperwork, translate it, mail it to Colombia, we paid USCIS for visas, we paid the workers at the orphanage who held Ava and fed her for the first months of her life, we paid money to the government in Colombia who ensures that all adoptions are legal, we paid a charitable fee to the orphanage so they can run cool programs like the maternity home which teaches moms job skills and offers counseling so they can choose to parent if they want to and the orphanage also feeds and schools and counsels a TON of kids who don't get adopted...so, yeah, I mean we got way "more for our money" (if you want to think of it that way) than we did for our biological children. I paid a doctor to deliver them. I paid the hospital, I paid for pre-birth care, etc. And actually, insurance paid a lot, too, right...I mean, we paid our co-pays (and side note...we so clocked in for Kylah's birth to make sure we were in the hospital less than 24 hours so we didn't get another co-pay for a second day, lol.)

Ok...enough said I think. And I just want to say again...if you're reading this and happen to have said something similar...please know that I love you, and I'm not mad; I just needed to work out what to say...Ava is beginning to understand what is said. In her best interest, I have to respond to comments like the above.