I like small butts and I cannot lie...

...come on, you know you're singing now!

When I was teaching middle school, one of the things I enjoyed the most was the running commentary I got on my appearance from "tween girls" who didn't really edit themselves too much.

"Ms. Johnson, you shoulda worn your black shoes today with that outfit." (I only had 2 pairs of shoes I wore...a brown pair and a black pair.)

"Ms. Johnson, did you get your eyebrows done?" (Why, do they need it or something?)

"Oooo...Ms. Johnson, you got your ears pierced again."

"Ms. Johnson, why don't you ever wear your hair down?" (Ummm, cuz school starts at 7:15 in the morning, which in case you haven't noticed is WAY.TOO.EARLY to wake up with enough time to blow dry my hair!!)

"Ms. Johnson, are you one of those white girls who's really skinny but thinks she's fat. Cuz you're really skinny." (No joke...this made me laugh out loud in class.)

And the best ever: "Ms. Johnson, you know they make padded jeans so your butt could look bigger. I have a catalog if you want." (I laughed here, too. This came out of nowhere, people.)

But the above quote leads me to the title of this post...

Luckily, Kylah takes after me and has (an apparently) small booty...because that's how she came out, butt first. Yes, she was breech and no, we didn't know until I was pushing. Pushing, people. The midwife checked me at that moment and said, "Oh sh*t. She's breech." If I were the curse-out-loud type I think I would have said something like, "No sh*t!!!" As it was, at that moment, I didn't even curse in my head. The room filled, I was put on a gurney and rolled to the O.R. Let's just say I was not the poster girl for a natural birth at the moment. I cringe to think that anyone might have seen me being rolled naked, screaming, and in general freaking out on the short ride to the O.R. I didn't even have time to think about much, other than the question of how in the world they could c-section me at this late moment...they quickly informed me I would be pushing the baby out...and push I did. 5 minutes after my arrival in the O.R., Kylah was born...small butt first, head last!

Pete likes to say the whole thing reminded him of a movie. My labor started at 3 a.m. Saturday. I let Pete sleep because he had just returned from a week long camping trip with students at 10 p.m. Friday. Around 6 a.m. I texted Lauren (best friend ever) to see if she would go for a walk with me. I didn't want to believe I was in labor yet...contractions would go from 10-12 minutes apart to 7 minutes apart and back to 10 minutes apart until Paul & Lauren took Ali and Ava to their house around 9 a.m. Then immediately my contractions were 5 minutes apart and closing. An hour later I told Pete I felt like I was pushing. (So much for the directions of 5 minute apart contractions for 2 hours before you even call the midwives to let them know you're in labor!)

Enter panic mode for Pete...he rushed to pack the car. I barely made the walk to our driveway to get in the car, and I SCREAMED all the way to the hospital with back to back contractions. Then I sat in a wheel chair in front of the hospital SCREAMING while Pete parked the car. A stranger came up to walk into the hospital and held my hand. Turned out he was the chaplain. God bless him. Pete came, pushed me to the elevator. Some poor dude just had to get on with us. Me, yep, still SCREAMING. Pete rolled me into the birthing center while I yelled...get me drugs, I give up, give me a c-section NOW! The midwife told them to stop filling the tub; I think they could take one look at me and know I was about to deliver. So...yeah, not the poster girl for a natural birth. From what I hear, some women are actually peaceful when they are in labor...not sure how that's possible.

They quickly checked me and I was 8 cm...they must not have checked for too long, because the whole "she's breech" thing wasn't caught then...not until 20 minutes later when I was pushing. We were at the hospital maybe 30 minutes before Kylah was born. When I said I wanted to labor at home for as long as possible, I didn't quite mean to cut it that close...but, well, everything was ok. The actual birth wasn't what we expected, but Kylah is healthy and I'm doing well.

So, there you go...I like small butts and I cannot lie...